Things I Have Been Caught Doing Today

1. Stapling my dress shut because I lost a button in the crotch area
2. Eating the pasta I packed for lunch. With my hands. Before 9am.
3. Trying to see how many M&Ms I can fit behind my upper lip
4. Singing a love song to the printer
…I think the jig may be up.

49. The Young Professional Cometh

Then you realize you’re taking orders from someone with adult braces, and you once again re-enter the endless cycle of questioning your life decisions and drowning out the sounds of your wretchedness with mildly biting yet ultimately repetitive and passive aggressive facebook statuses. Oh, and beer.

Let’s not forget ourselves

This holiday season, I am thankful for a brother who hates the things that I hate and draws me silly pictures, a mother who brings home a case of Patron because she refuses to drink “that cheap ten dollar Trader Joe’s crap” I bring home, and a father who still manages to love a person with a heart as terribly black and bitter as mine enough to make me sandwiches in the morning.

"Your brother’s good at things like being good to people and being a good person. You’re good at things like remembering to buy groceries and not sharing your money with anyone. I wish you two lived together so he could learn to survive and you could learn to not be a jerk."

Mom

48. An Update on Post-Grad Life, Part V: Living

You tell yourself your life’s going to be different, you’re going to travel the world, meet interesting people, do beautiful creative things, help out mankind…

…and then one day you wake up in a cubicle drawing out rough designs for a royal wedding themed pumpkin for your building’s annual pumpkin carving contest.

47. An update on post-grad life, part IV: on making my parents stop loving me due to my lifestyle choices in adulthood

I may not be welcome at your dinner table, but I have day old croissants and intervention on netflix in my room, so you can suck it, Mom and Dad.

Oh who am I kidding, I’m going to be in the kitchen after you fall asleep hungrily shoveling piles of rice, tiny quail eggs, and baby corn in my mouth. And technically you own this room so it’s not mine…so I guess it is I who can suck it.

46. An update on post-grad life, part III

Tonight I came to the realization that I may slowly be entering the oft-dreaded period in any blossoming young adult’s life: the period of time when getting mind-blowingly tanked begins to become less and less of a consistently viable form of social interaction. Which means my previous three main points of conversation (1. Talking about how drunk I am; 2. Talking about this one time I was drunk; and 3. Talking about how drunk I am about to get) are beginning to fail increasingly in their ability to establish things like bonds and friendships. This currently leaves me only with the “Wow, my job sure is boring” approach to sparking something, ANYTHING, inside the people who are nice enough to humor my progressively painful struggle for the moment.

Like, when the hell did everyone develop interests, am I right?

*EDIT: I promise I’m not an alcoholic, not even in the “Hey, I’m going to joke about being an alcoholic because I’m not one but really I secretly am, that’s why I’m joking about it” way. I just left college too early and haven’t quite yet caught up development-wise with most of the people around me. It’s kind of like that old show Smart Guy, with T.J. Mowry, except with less intelligence, more sadness, and much more access to alcohol.

yet another post-grad update

Yesterday I learned that many things are significantly more hilarious when dressed in business attire, like picking out a wedgie or choking on a giant breakfast burrito.

45. An update on post-grad life, part II

The highlight of my week? Buying a new frying pan.

44. An update on post-grad life

Too bad my body is overly swollen from 3+ years of alcohol abuse and fried food consumption for me to cram into my mom’s snazzy business-casual suit.

Interview dude, prepare to meet my thunder thighs.